10 Things To Consider Before Confronting A Cheating Spouse

by kajay on January 20, 2011


Cheating or Infidelity is a violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of an intimate relationship. It may arise if a partner in the relationship acts outside of the understood boundaries of that relationship.

As the saying says, “it takes two to tango”. Don’t blame it all in your husbands. As a wife, you should consider also if you are taking your husband for granted.

I have a long lost friend that I just bumped into somewhere, after a little chitchat, I knew that he left his wife for another woman.

I asked him why, the only reason he said is that his wife has been ignoring him for quite some time now. She stopped giving him marital attention. He then warned his wife that if she kept on doing that, he might find another woman.

When he realized that he has lost his interest in having sex with his wife and they never share the same interest anymore, the last thing he knew was he is getting closer to another woman who is giving him an attention he needs and now starting a new life with her.

Things to consider before confronting your cheating spouse:

Confronting a cheating spouse is a very difficult thing to do.

Make sure you do it wisely.

You should always consider all options before confronting your spouse that has been caught cheating on you. It is a good idea to have a phone close by in case things get out of hand.

People take this kind of confrontation many ways.

They either put up a fight by denying the charges, or they flee. The ones that stay and deny, and become defensive understand all that is at stake. They know what they can lose by their infidelity.

The person who runs away already has it in their mind that the relationship is over, and was probably hoping to get caught so that they can begin their relationship with the other person.

Women are born with strong sense of intuition.

Unlike men, we strongly believe if he is fooling around. If your spouse is cheating, you know that at some point a confrontation concerning the affair is inevitable. There are some definite “do’s” and “don’ts” to keep in mind when the moment arrives.

1. Have privacy. Confronting infidelity is best accomplished in private. Send your children away for the day.

2. Never assume that by confronting your partner about their affair that it will automatically end the relationship. As a government employee for 6 years, I have seen countless relationships battered by a cheating spouse, mostly men, and not all of them ended in divorce.

Some have ended it and just forgotten what they had and some go back together in their affair.

There is such a thing as a “happy ending” in some of these situations where true “change of heart” and forgiveness take place.

Don’t be afraid to confront fearing a termination of the relationship. A confrontation just might be the best thing to save your love.

3. Never divulge your suspicions with numerous friends, family and work mates. It is a sad reality that most people cannot keep a confidence.

Irreparable damage can occur by reckless gossip. If you have a desire to reconcile with your loved one, then keep this information to yourself or to a very trusted confidante or counselor. You need information before confronting infidelity.

Hire a detective, or conduct your own investigation by simply observing, listening and documenting the facts

4. Try to be discreet in the investigation of your partner. If they sense you are paranoid about all of their behavior, more permanent damage can be done that might imperil your future together.

Again, keep in mind that there is hope or a remedy to this crisis that may allow your hopes of living as a couple stay alive.

5. Try to keep extreme emotions under control when confrontation actually takes place.

Get all of the crying, screaming, swearing, and rage out of your system when it actually comes for the time when you say “we need to talk”.

Extreme emotions at the point of confrontation could lead you to do or say something that you will deeply regret just moments later.

You’re on a fact-finding mission; as you confront your cheating partner, avoid name-calling, hot-button words and phrases containing the F- word.

Remember, it’s easy to lie to a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question. Ask questions like ‘What were you doing at Sally’s house?”

6. Have your facts right. When you confront your spouse with “accurate” information they will be less inclined to start telling even bigger lies.

Much damage occurs not from the initial affair but from the ever increasing magnitude of lies that the offender conjures up. Being well informed will signal to your lover that the “gig is up”.

Confront your cheating partner with facts, photos and witnesses, and the response may still be a lie. Remain diligent; lies eventually lead to the truth.

7. Listen without interrupting. This may be one of the hardest things to do but you owe it to your partner to listen to what they have to say.

You initiated this confrontation and good courtesy demands that you listen.

8. Consider whether you are willing to reconcile. Is this confrontation just a means of getting even or is reconciliation your main motivation?

This is a question you should have already answered in your own mind before you confront.

9. Think through the ramifications of divorce. If you are unwilling to reconcile then you better consider the fallout from divorce.

The fallout will involve your finances, your emotions, your children and just about every other facet of your life.

10. Take care of your health. Stressful events such as infidelity can have a devastating effect on your health.

In the days before the “show down” make sure you get enough rest and that your diet is healthy. You’ll need to look your best and feel your best before this conversation takes place.

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